Oscar Fever

At the '91 Oscars, I kept messing with Tom Berenger in the seats.

Jodie Foster was accepting her Best Lesbian award for Silence of the Lambs.

I normally find lesbos exciting, but my mind drifted.

Berenger was sitting directly in front of me, looking very self-satisfied. Why, I don't know.

So I dipped my fingers in my martini, and made a quiet sneezing sound while I flicked them at his neck.

He turned around, alarmed. I made a "sorry" gesture, and he smiled and nodded.

I waited about one minute, then punched myself in the nose.

I "sneezed" on him again. When he turned around, my nose was bleeding and my eyes were watering.

He jumped up, wiping at his neck. I laughed, and then pretended to pass out.

Berenger still refuses to do AIDS charities.

Just doing my part to cut the bullshit.
  \