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Thursday, March 6, 2008

Rocking Robin

I was at a wrap party with Burt Ward back in the 90s.

I think it was for "Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective".

I'm not making that up.

Linnea Quigley was dancing on a pool table and had drawn quite a crowd.

Burt's not a big "party man". Family, dogs, etc.

The Rohypnol I dropped in his Seven-Up did the trick.

Within fifteen minutes, he was giving a kendo demonstration with pool cues.

A boring story, yes.

But true.

Stinking Drinking

Liza Minelli and I rolled a hobo in Brooklyn back in 1977.

Well, we didn't exactly roll him. He flopped around a lot.

We'd just left a bar in Bed-Stuy, laughing like crazy about something.

I can't remember what now, but I'm sure it was funny. Or mean.

Anyhoo, this rotten corpse snuck up on us and put his arm around Liza, offering us a nip from his bottle.

Some kind of sulfite grape juice mouthwash.

I punched him, his head hit a parking meter, and he went down.

Liza kicked him for a while, laughing.

We kept the bottle.

True story.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Shark In The Water

James Woods and I were golfing naked once at St. Andrews.

That's Scotland. Google your Earth, or whatever you kids do.

Well, I caught his balls on my backswing.

Under normal circumstances, this would have been standard, comical slapstick. But it was after dark.

We had doused the heads of our clubs in lighter fluid and lit them up for our swings.

Okay, it was pretty comical.

To answer your next question: Yes, his balls are smoother than his face.

Hideous man. Smells like sausage.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

South By South America

I did a celebrity ride-along once in a crop-duster over Colombia.

Tito, the pilot, was a cut-up. At least, I assume he was. I don't know much Castilliano.

Doesn't matter - he was a happy fellow.

Tito did some wild banking when we took rifle fire, but never enough to spill my drink. Very professional.

He came in low and started dumping herbicides.

Field workers ran for cover, screaming. Women clutched their babies.

Birds took flight and monkeys scattered.

Turns out it was a corn field. Tito said something about a maze. I think he was hallucinating.

Apparently the amphetamines were making us both confused.

Either way, it taught me a great thing about laughter.

It's the same in every language.

Bosom Buddies

Friends, I received my first blogamabob letter.

I'm very excited.

Buddy Hackett? I remember him mentioning you on

your true fan...

Teh Swedish Chef
mork mork mork

Buddy Hackett was making fun of my spoken word performances.

Nobody makes a chump out of me in front of Johnny.

He was filming Herbie The Love Bug at the time.

I got a motel room near the studio, and found the dive bar he frequented at the end of the day.

Christ, what an ugly bastard. Like a badly beaten badger stuffed into a suit.

That kind of scary, twisted, sucking face that comes at you in the middle of night.

You know, the between-time, when you've just fallen asleep.

He didn't recognize me. I was in drag. Brunette.

I showed him who's talented.