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Thursday, October 23, 2008


Back in 1990 or so, I attended one of the launch parties at Cabo Wabo.

Sammy Hangar invited me personally.

As I sidled up to the bar, I noticed a beautiful, crazy woman sitting at a stool, quietly singing to herself. A blonde shock of hair spilled over her, like a young Phyllis Diller.

I was smitten. Women that sing to themselves like that are either drunk or a little psychotic - either way, I knew she'd be great in the sack.

I sat down next to her, and as the bartender asked me what my poison was, I scanned the liquor behind him. So many kinds of tequila - but I knew I had to impress her.

I asked him to get a pint glass and fill it with ice. He did. I asked him to put a lime in it. He did.

Then I asked him to dump the bar mat into it. He didn't miss a beat, curled up the mat, and a sluice of mystery drippings filled the glass.

I thanked him, dropped a Grant on the wet counter, and picked up my drink. I toasted the bartender, who had decided to watch.

Then I turned to the lady and said, "I call this drink 'Sex on a Bar'. Maybe I can order you one later." She giggled.

We toasted to our health, and I pounded it.

I'm a strong, proud man, but I don't think I'll order that drink again. It was like Carmen Miranda's urine mopped up from a Chinese restaurant floor.

I normally have an inordinate amount of self-control, but my gag reflex kicked in halfway through and I began vomiting uncontrollably.

She tried to jump out of the way, but slipped and fell beneath me as I retched.

A waterfall of soggy tortilla chips and personal mistakes rained down upon her.

The bartender just laughed and laughed.

That woman was David Lee Ross.


Anonymous said...

This is brilliant stuff! How long have you been doing this, and why are there no comments yet?

Shatner Dot said...

Dear Anonymous -

I appreciate your kind words.

My memoirs have been a personal project for a few years, but I've only started sharing excerpts on the World Webs recently. I will admit, some precious memories have been jogged by current events and random discussions I have participated in.

I must say, I have found the World Webs to be a wonderful sounding board for teaching the unwashed and uneducated masses how Life really works.

You are one of the few brave souls who has commented or provided feedback. I appreciate this. Your strength is both admirable and suspicious.

I have always assumed the quiet ones were just speechless. Perhaps they're plotting something.

My words will set you free.

Dripping with sincerity,

Dot D. Shatner, PhD